She's Gone

We never made it to the van and I have not slept. Blood from the tumor was filling the lining of her heart. We drained it, trying to keep her going until the Specialist could see her this morning and hopefully operate. But it refilled too quickly, leaving her in a panic and requiring that it be drained again and again.

As I was cuddled next to her on the floor keeping a constant touch on her, the thought drifted through me that we had reached the point where we were no longer doing *for* her but *to* her -- and then she started to get restless again, signaling that it had once again bled to the point of compromising her heart.

End-of-life planning in a crisis -- never a good thing. But Cadi deserved -- and got -- my best. I know that I did not end things too soon -- or wait too long. I recognized the message that the game had shifted, and that further interventions were not in her best interest. And she was with Galen when I came home earlier to tend the other girls, and with me for the rest of the time -- she knew love from the beginning of her life to the end.

I am beyond stunned and devastated. Cadi -- like Maize -- was perfect. She was happy, loving, friendly to all, and just something so very special from the minute she was born. I cannot believe I am writing this and that my beloved Cadi is not home with us tonight. And poor Dear Husband -- he is in Utah and did not even get to bid her farewell.

My heart is broken. I love you, Sweet Cadi...

 

43 comments

by Toby E on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 05:03

Oh Mary-Ann, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I don't even know what to say.

by Lynne on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 05:03

M-A, how very sad. This is exactly the way our Daisy left us as a mere 4.5 years of age. We had no idea she was sick except that she was a bit anemic and the vet was treating her for what we thought was an infection. Then she was having trouble breathing and we had to rush her to the ER. They took one look at her and rushed her back for evaluation. We were left waiting in the room. They came back to tell us that she had a mass on her heart (hemangiosarcoma) that was bleeding out and they would have to try to drain it. Next thing we knew they came back in to tell us that her heart and failed and a they were doing CPR. We didn't get to say good-bye either. She was gone just like that. Just like your Cadi.

I am so sorry. It's never easy losing a special dog: whether it comes as a complete shock or after a long illness. Sending healing thoughts your way.

by Lori Simidian on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 05:18

I'm so very, very sorry.

by Elizabeth on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 05:34

Type... Delete... Type... Delete... Cry... So, so sorry.

by Jennifer G. on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 05:47

I'm so, so sad and so very sorry.

by Barb on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 06:25

Oh my!! What a shock. Sending you deepest sympathy.
She was the most special perfect beautiful girl. Gone way too soon.
I can't imagine how hard this is. Holding you, Kim and Galen in my thoughts and prayers.

by Barb on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 06:27

Didn't mean to send that twice. Shaking a little-crying a lot.

by Ellen on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 06:48

Hugs to all of you, M-A.

by G & G Peirce on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 06:52

We are so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved Cadi. Words never convey what one really means to say so we will leave this message with we love you.

by joan on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 06:58

Sweet Cadi! Gone? How can that be? My heart aches so for you, her loving human family. May she be at peace. Tthat girl lived every second of her life to the fullest possible - what an example to us all!

by Sandy H. on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 07:10

I am so sorry for your loss of Cadi. I am so sad reading your blog this morning. Thinking of you,

by Emmy on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 07:13

I'm so sorry and am giving my dogs an extra hug because you just don't know...

by Ruth on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 07:18

I am so very sorry! I will be praying for you all. I can only imagine the pain you feel. Please know I share in your grief as I have come to appreciate each of your beautiful girls thru your writings.

by Peggy on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 07:35

I am so sorry Mary-Ann. My heart hurts for you. You are in our thoughts.

by Cheryl Brickach on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 07:52

Don't even know what to say. This is so horrible. Deepest sympathy and cyber hugs to you, Kim and Galen.

by LindaT on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 07:53

....tears for you.

by Carol Kracht on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 08:13

I can't say how sorry I am to wake up to this news...I had so hoped it wasn't going to be this terrible...Of course you did the best for her under such dire circumstances, but it is no way one should ever have to lose a beloved family member- I have been there and for me it was so much worse than having time to prepare one's heart- seriously in tears here...I wish you many soldiers coming in to help you the days to come, be kind to yourself and know she knew she was loved to the very end...My deepest condolences...Carol

by Carmen K. on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 08:39

Truly a shocking and devastating loss of your sweet Cadi. I ache for you, Kim, and Galen and send many heartfelt thoughts and hugs...

by Lynn on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 08:49

This is the second beloved Berner in two days that is suddenly gone and I am sitting at my computer in tears. I have learned so much by watching you at Nationals interact with your dogs as well as Kathy with her Bentley. I am sending you a few dozen of my little soldiers to help fortify your ranks over the next few weeks.

by Kay Morrow on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 08:54

I can hardly believe it. So fast. So sad. It's a shock and my deepest sympathies go out to you and your family. Cadi was a perfect puppy from the beginning and we've lost her too soon. My thoughts are with you. And Ruben will get an extra hug.

Kay

by Jennifer Z on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 09:10

Devastating, heartbreaking, shocking, terrible, sad. The words and emotions are just spilling out. I cannot tell you how sorry I am. It sounds like it must have been hemangiosarcoma, which is what took our beloved Rock star Italian greyhound. Know that so many people are thinking of you and your family. I am glad for Cadi that she was surounded by love at the end, and her most beloved person was with her. A life so well lived, yet far too short. So very, very sorry. Hugs to you all.

by Kris Bazzano on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 09:12

Sitting here in tears. So very sorry...

by Cousin Julie on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 09:14

Oh M-A, I am so sorry.

by cindy Heintzberger on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 09:17

I am so truely sad - lots of tears. I am having a hard time believing it and thinking of how much pain you are all in... I remember so well the day Cadi was born and the picture you sent by cellphone of her perfect markings!!! She has always been a superstar and will be so, so missed. I am so sorry.

by Marianne on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 10:06

I am so so sorry...I hurt for you and Kim and Galen. Lots of tears ~ cannot believe this happened so quickly. Cadi was one
of my favorites. You have many of us crying with you ~ this is horrible.

by Erin on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 10:24

My heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry, Mary-Ann. Please know you are being held with all of this love and more.

by Maddie's Mommy on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 10:42

We are all so very sorry. We are stunned by the suddenness, but even more by the loss. Wishing you peace and comfort now at this time. Barb, Ken & Maddie

by susan norman on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 11:50

We are also devastated and stunned. Hugs to you and the rest of the Kaibab family, both 2 legged and 4 legged. S

by Mary-Jayne on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 13:04

I am so sorry Mary-Ann, my thoughts are with you and your family.
I may not have known Cadi personally but I felt like I did... From your blog entries I could feel the love and happiness she made you and other fellow readers feel. She was a one of a kind sunny girl and will be deeply missed by everyone she knew and touched..

by Terri on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 13:26

Mary-Ann, I am so, so sorry. Long distance hugs.
Terri and Peaches and Ochoco

by Marion on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 13:36

It's so much harder to lose them so suddenly like this -- but in time you will know that you couldn't have done more for her, that you were there for her at the end, and that she knew she was loved. And in time you will know that you gave her the best life possible, and that's all that any of us can do for our dogs. My heart goes out to you.

by John, Kristine,... on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 14:38

We are in shock. And so sorry. We will miss her.

by Cali on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 15:04

There are no words to say how sorry I am for your loss of your dear Cadi-bug.

by Julie Hooker (a... on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 15:06

I'm sitting with tears in my eyes . . .Faith came over to check and she's leaning while I type. We are sending every bit of love and light we have to our beloved Kaibab family. I can't find any words. Just know that we are very sorry . . .

by Heidi Mann on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 15:28

Mary Ann, I saw that you lost Cadi on Ellen's blog for Himself. I am so so very sorry for your loss. As dog lovers, we know this day will come, but it is so much harder when it comes so unexpectedly and for such a young dog. I am in awe and inspired by your strength and courage to do the best for her. I wish I had the words to comfort you and your family, but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and kisses to you and your pack! ~Heidi

by Denni on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 16:09

I am so sorry for you loss. Maize, then Cadi, in such a short time. My heart goes out to you. I wish I knew what to say that would offer some sort of comfort. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

by Lesley Koonce on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 18:22

Oh, Mary-Ann . . . how awful!! I am so very sorry to hear about Cadi. Cyber-hugs to you and your family.

Lesley

by Julie Chapman on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 18:57

M-A...I just saw this on Facebook. I am so, so, so sorry. There are never enough years with our special sweeties, and no words that can ease the pain of their loss.

by Marti Simons on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 22:03

Cadi Bug, she was special the moment you saw her. She always had a presence, she just sparkled. Always ready to go and full of life and love and personality. I have been in tears all day. Had to block it all away to get through work without bawling. So so sorry Mary-Ann. Sometimes the bad things in life just suck.

Love and hugs to all of you.

by Elizabethanne on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 00:09

Marti hit the nail on the head. I had the great good fortune to train and show Cadi in agility for a short while when she still lived in Utah. I'd go over at lunch and let her into her front yard and she would come barreling out of the house, run through my legs, and throw herself on the ground for belly rubs. Of course, I always gladly obliged. Cadi, a consummate working dog with a wicked sense of humor. I still remember the laughter at a trial the first time she retrieved the plastic containers they used for numbering the agility course. Used to running poodles in the 16" class, it was quite a shock to stand next to a tall table and be eye to eye with an exuberantly barking Cadi. I like to think of Cadi as "my" Berner, though I love all of M-A's girls. Cadi even humored me by doing canine musical freestyle in the school parking lot during one of her Christmas vacations in Utah just so I could dance with a big dog. My sweet Cadi will forever be in my heart. My deepest condolences to M-A, and Kim, and Galen on the loss of a truly perfect girl. And my most heartfelt thanks for sharing her with me.

by Lisa K on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 08:24

For sharing that E-A. I have been super weepy over this. As everyone knows, Syd is 'mine', and as Cadi is her momma, this is just heartbreaking. I smiled through the tears reading this. Love to all of you....xo

by Susan Berlin on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 08:19

Dear Mary-Ann -- I just heard the news about Cadi. I suppose if anyone can deal with this, it's you -- but I'm so, so sorry you have to. As well as Kim and Galen. My heart aches for all of you.

Susan

by Heidi on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 00:20

You and Cadi were an amazing pair, and that never stopped. That's a very big and important thing. There are so many things I wish I could convey, but nothing will ease such fresh and unexpected pain. So instead of trying to do the impossible, I'll settle for just letting you know that you are being thought of with lots of love by people who care very much.

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