Allies and Reinforcements; FYI from Harper B

"Tears are the silent language of grief"


Yesterday was a very rough day -- but I survived and think I was moderately effective in my classes (Friday is my busy teaching day). It helped that word of Cadi's death had spread through the students -- and those students are a compassionate, kind, and supportive bunch and several knew Cadi.

Cadi is entered in an agility trial this weekend in Great Falls -- obviously she is not running. But I think I will go with Zoey and Harper because it will probably help to be among my "tribe" of dog friends.

Dear Husband is still gone on his long trip, and that has been both good and bad. Sometimes it is easier to be hysterical without an audience so that has probably been for the best, as hysterical certainly describes my affect this week -- in between the mandated periods of calm. He is also just stunned and heart broken but this family trip was long planned, and when Cadi died I suggested he really did not need to come home. Sometimes a hysterical zombie just needs to be alone. But it will be good to have him back on Wednesday.

But getting the van ready last night was back to Ground Zero, and I sat in the van pleading and crying for Cadi-Bug to come home -- but she didn't. And she can't -- or she would. I need to tell myself what I suggest family members tell children when someone they love so much dies -- her body was too broken and her spirit couldn't live there anymore. She did not want to go -- she would never leave me if she didn't have to -- but her body just could not work any more -- so she had to go.

Elizabeth sent me an email that gave me a way to think about what Cadi is doing as she waits for me -- and it has helped. Everyone's emails and comments have helped -- I just have not been able to write back to everyone yet, and figure people will understand.

So I roused the wounded Little Soldiers this morning and gave them all a pep talk -- and we will travel today to visit the friendly allies. I think Cadi would rather we do agility than stay in bed -- she was a love-bug but not really a bed-bug (except at night) so would prefer we do something -- so we will, even though we don't want to. It is part of that whole Hope thing...

And Auggie's mom was gone yesterday so I knew there would not be an update -- we will look for Mesa's later this afternoon/evening.

Thanks for your ongoing love and support -- it matters so much.

Later from Harper B

How is it possible that one human could cry so many tears and not dry up and blow away?! She cried all the way to Great Falls (over three hours!), and then all her favorite friends made her cry some more because they were sad also and they understood.

And then someone -- who is NOT our favorite -- said something REALLY REALLY unfortunate and my favorite human did not even hit her -- aren't you proud?! But she has used some really ...well... words that she doesn't usually use about The Incident -- words that I think I am too young to hear -- just saying...

And my favorite human told Zoey that nothing mattered today except being together -- and she meant it.

Then I had a playdate with my future favorite BFF -- I am not ready to say he is my favorite just yet but I think he will be someday...

Favorite sister Mesa's family has a lot happening and so we said they should send their update when they can -- no rush. And Favorite Readers -- FYI: When your favorite human has a broken heart it is best to be very, very nice and not say stupid things -- duh -- even a puppy knows that...


by Toby E on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 05:41

Exactly as Cadi would have wanted. There is always comfort in friendly allies. When I lost Henry, I was totally alone, divorced, with my son just off to college for his freshman year. Hysterical zombie about describes me, I was thankful for being without human interaction-just me and my dogs, cats and parrot. All of us cocooned together in our grief, mourning the loss of the "man of the house.". I finally sought company with the people that understood- my agility friends- who all knew and loved Henry. In time, they all shared their musings and Henry stories-nearly 3 years later, I still think about how comforting that was. Travel safely today, enjoy your day with Syd and Harper and Cadi will be with you.

by Ruth on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 11:08

MaryAnn, You are so right that each of us filters our grief through our own experiences...but I cannot read today's post without choking up. The image of sitting in your van crying out for Cadi to come back when you know she would if it was possible is just too real and somehow leaves me with tears streaming and choking back out loud cries. I have my beautiful girl (of nearly 9 years) sitting here at my most wonderful friend. Maybe my filter is the anguished thought of someday being without her, maybe its losing both my parents in the past 5 years...maybe it's just empathy or some combination. But thanks for always taking the risk to express yourself here. Many times I write and delete, but your courage is motivational in so many ways.
I pray this day is healing for you. xoxo

by Sharon G on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 12:41

M-A, it has been impossible for me to read your blog without becoming teary. Wish I were able to give you a big hug, not that it would help but at least you would know that I, along with all your blog-readers, family, & friends wish we could ease your pain. I am sending soldiers from the Midwest as reinforcements for yours to help you carry on. The only way I have been able to deal with grief is to focus on the present & keep planning activities; a temporary mental "off" switch. As you remember, Jemie (from your E litter) was my 'therapy' dog. And you would be so proud of him today as he has shown himself to be a kind benevolent 'Uncle' to Joshua who is now almost 4 months old. I wish you a fun & memorable weekend with Zoey & Harper. Your Cadi bug is grinning from the Rainbow Bridge! More hugs, Sharon

by Heidi on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 18:28

It's important to surround ourselves with allies. We get so wounded by fire both friendly and unfriendly . . . we need some strength in numbers to withstand it all.

My good friend Ann lost her beloved dog late last year, and so now we cry together as we miss our dogs. She felt badly that she couldn't feel her dog's spirit lingering, and that was a part of her grieving, that feeling of disconnectedness. And then, about three weeks ago, she dreamt of her dog for the first time. She was in a field full of other dogs that Ann knew, and they were all running about, in full health and vigor. Then Ann heard her dog say, "Don't worry about me; I'm just playing until you get here."

Some things give us comfort, whilst others do not. It's hard to know what all or won't work; it's really just trial and error. But I found my friend's dream to be as comforting to me as it was for her. I hope others do too.

In the meantime, I hope both allies near and far continue to bolster you as you make your way in this journey. Lots of love,


by Barb on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 22:05

Psst Harper does future BFF have a name yet?? What was he whispering in your ear??
So sorry Mary-Ann you know there are always people making unhelpful comments- no matter what the situation. I have probably done that myself- hope it wasn't me.
Loved the story about Heidi's friend. I know our dogs who love us so much would comfort us if they could. Love doesn't die.

by Linda D. & Natalie on Sun, 04/01/2012 - 09:30

Mary Ann: For days I have been following your blog and have wanted to say something that would be so insightful and wise that you would instantly feel 1000s of times better. But as you know, those words just don't exist. The only thing I can offer is this: Slug me. I am willing to take one for the team because, while I know that it is incredibly inappropriate to hit anyone, sometimes you just know that it will be the very right thing to do. And think of the instant relief. So slug me. I can take it!!
P.S. Some day ask me to tell you my Jensen story. One where even the people you love the most do the stupidest and most insensitive things at exactly the worst moment.

by Carol Kracht on Sun, 04/01/2012 - 17:12

Been away in Reno for the agility nationals and still thinking of you MA and it must have been so hard for you to be at that agility trail and to have some one say the wrong thing-ach! even tougher...I tend to run away when so grief stricken and hope you got some good support from your agility friends that day.... Cadi was running agility that day too - just somewhere else...I know it! Day by day.....we have not forgotten....Carol

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